@ALBUM: FROM BEER TO ETERNITY by: The Macc Lads NOTE:- Quite a lot of people will find these lyrics highly offensive. The Macc Lads have been banned from a remarkable number of gig venues in Britain, including all venues in their home town of Macclesfield. Those with a sick sense of humour will find the lyrics hilarious. I know I did. @SONG: Alton Towers Fucking right. Bank holiday Monday, By Sunday I was.... So let's fuck off to Alton Towers. One or two, quite a few in the queue for the bumper cars. Fit crack on the lake but her mate's got a flabby arse. So let's hit the bars.... Where's the fucking pub? Where's the fucking ale? We don't want to queue for the mono-fucking rail. Where's the fucking crack? There's middle aged mums with big fabby bums. Black hole queue's past the entrance gate now, Well, I've been with Sweatty Betty and it's not worth the wait. No! I wouldn't stand in a queue for all the tea in China, I'd rather pump the S up me deck top's vagina, Sarah the dog. Where's the fucking pub? Where's the fucking ale? We don't want to queue for the mono-fucking rail. Where's the fucking crack? There's middle aged mums with big fabby bums. Fuck cunt wank shit. Where's the fucking pub? Where's the fucking ale? We don't want to queue for the mono-fucking rail. (Repeat to end) @SONG: Geordie Girl New face in the pub on a Friday night. "You alright?" I asked where she worked, she said, "Iawok dahn sayan" She were feeling "kanna closhy" She were of t'"Neddie" I think she must have meant the bog. Do you want a drink love? She says "Aye rhebob, Hey Bob" Hey Bob? Tardy lass, Geordie girl, With her crusty gusset and a gob the size of the town. Tardy lass, Geordie girl, The canny lass 'till after closing time. Let's go somewhere quiet before me mates arrive, You look lovely. What's wrong with beer? Oh for fuck's sake, You're too ugly. I'll have another Hey Bob, or else a pint of Scotch, And then you can play with me pink bits. I'm not made of dosh. Alright then, fuck off, Southern git. Southern git? Tardy Lass Geordie girl, He gave her pints and fags and pints and grub and shorts. Tardy Lass Geordie girl, She gave him earache and penal warts. Penal warts... Tardy Lass Geordie girl, She talked and talked he couldn't understand a thing. Tardy Lass Geordie girl, By Sunday night she needed emptying. Tardy Lass Geordie girl, Tardy Lass Geordie girl. @SONG: Bloik! Yaaaaaaaaaw! Dick Head was a pratt, he drove a Skoda with extra lamps on, Always dickin' prattin', Looked like a reuseable tampon. Tried to chat the birds up, He'd always end up bleedin', It's tough when you come from Bollington, It's all the interbreeding. Sunglasses in the evening, Umbrellas in his bitter. "Excuse me Mrs. Woman, do you take it up the shitter?" Guess what in the pint pot? Size ten in the dick, It's best to take those glasses off when your chatting up Stez Styx. Do you fancy going out on a bastard, An' buying us a couple of beers? She said, "I'd rather sit on me finger, Or go and have a cervical smear." Bloik. So Dick Head went to Soho, And he paid for a 69, "Gissus the beads up front love, You'd better not waste me time." The whore had had beans for dinner, She farted up his nose, He said, "I'm not payin' knacker's head for sixty-nine of those!" Do you fancy going out on a bastard, Do you want another packet of crisps? Or what about a bag of pork scatchings? Do you mind if I just weigh up your tits... Whheey! Heavy Metal. Do you fancy going out on a bastard, An' buying us a couple of beers? She said, "I'd rather sit on me finger, Or go and have a cervical smear." Bloik. @SONG: No Sheep 'Til Buxton Sheep shaggers.... Went up in the hills, We was on a binge, Look for some pubs and up some minge. Couldn't find us no beer, We just found sheep, So fuckin' many put the Peter to sleep. There were sheep in the fields And under the trees, Sheep in the houses And under your feet. Sheep on the pavement Sheep in the car Sheep in the pubs and we all got barred. Sheep, sheep everywhere, The little wooly fuckers are all over the place, Sheep, sheep everywhere, We're fighting for the one with the prettiest face. Go. So this is what locals get up to at night. Trying to get anthrax, And make sure they use trite. Sunk to their nuts whilst their rodding a ram, And they're just as well hung for a sheep as a lamb. Sheep shit on their foreskin and all over their suits, Little black berries in their wellington boots, Sheep shit on their trousers and all over their flies, Don't let the farmer pull the wool over your knob. Sheep, sheep everywhere. Mutton daggers at the ready and they're full of mint sauce. Sheep, sheep everywhere, We're gonna get a bleating from the mother in law... Ooowow! Sheep, sheep everywhere, All the farmers daugters' got a sheepskin coat. Sheep, sheep everywhere, They've got to wear a woolly if they want to pull a bloke. Sheep, sheep everywhere, Sheep, sheep everywhere. @SONG: All Day Drinkin' Staggered in MacDonalds on a Friday afternoon, All the pubs were shut, There were knob all else fer do. I said, "Gissus a Big Mac now you spotty little twat." He said, "Have a nice day sir, would you like a paper hat?" I said, "Have a nice day bollocks, And where's me fucking Mac? An' I'll have a pint of root beer in a proper fucking glass, If it's some new bloody lager, I'll smash yer nose into the floor." I won't be drinking in MacDonalds when they change the drinking laws. An' I'll drink, drink, drink 'till it's coming out me ears, And I'll drink, drink, drink 'till the pub runs out of beer. An' I'll drink, drink, drink 'till I can't take another sip. An' I'll have all day drinking on an intrevenous drip. Yeah. So what's the point of drinking up at three o fucking clock? When there's decent ales in Scotland, but that's all full of Jocks. The penny-pinching bastards, they've all got ginger hair. It'll take an hour to buy a pint, can't understand a word. And they're queueing up outside the pubs, Waiting for a sale, Bet they wish they put their bags on when it blows a bloody gale. Everyone will buy more beer when they change the drinking laws, Spend the extra tax they get to mend that fucking wall. An' I'll drink, drink, drink 'till it's coming out me ears, I'll drink, drink, drink 'till the pub runs out of beer. An' I'll drink, drink, drink 'till I can't take another sip. All day drinking on an intrevenous drip. An' we'll drink, drink, drink 'till it's coming out us ears, We'll drink, drink, drink 'till the pub runs out of beer. An' we'll drink, drink, drink 'till we can't take another sip. @SONG: Tab After Tab Pint after pint after pint after pint we sup, Crack after crack after crack after crack we fuck, There's a pink giving me the wink, And she'll make me finger stink, I think it's all this beer they make me drink. Tab after tab after tab after tab we smoke, Tart after tart after tart after tart we poke, I'm getting intimate with twats, Parting saddlebags, I think it's all this crack they make me shag. They make me shag. Go. Me belly's hanging lower, Me knob drags along the floor, I think it's all this beer they make me drink. @SONG: Lucy Lastic Well, in this life there's a couple of certs, One is death and the other's a nurse, Well Lucy's old and they say she's passed it, But I gave her one and her tits were that big, And they said bollocks and they're made of plastic, And that I never touched her, That's just bagshit. Lucy Lastic, we shagged everywhere, On the washer in the kitchen and twice on the stairs, Did you fuck? You're making it up. Well I got a red pint round the back of our house, Are you sure you want to play with my little red mouse? I found his tail right up Lucy Lastic, The Russians are coming, this is drastic. So I closed the curtains and I sat on her belly, There was dogfood in her clevage, forgot about torn welly. Lucy Lastic's got a great back, Two pounds of tripe just to take up the slack. Was there fuck, you're making it up. Lucy Lastic we shagged in a skip. Dead cats in her knickers, tea bags on her tits. We did it in a snowdrift in Wilderclough, But Lucy Lastic was loose enough, Lucy Lastic were loose enough, Lucy Lastic were loose enough, Lucy Lastic were loose enough. @SONG: My Pub I've been going t'same pub fer twenty year, It were half a crown then fer buy me beer, But they closed it down fer redecorate, They said we'll knock a wall down, Change bar round, Paint door brown, It's going to look great. When I walked into it I couldn't believe me eyes, Every cunt had a shirt and tie, Mirrored walls and daft plastic trees, It were a fun pub disco, Wine bar bistro, Gay club puff house, Cocktail carvary. So I walked to the bar fer to get me ale, She said Tetly Bitter's not for sale, They had fizzy lager with a German name, I said you've got to be joking, I started choking, me voice were croaking, I turned round. Then a penguin grabbed me fer to throw me out, He said you've got to dress like a twat end to get in now, But I've been served in here for twenty years, Now it's a fun pub disco, Wine bar bistro, Gay club puff house, Cocktail... Oh what the fuck fuck fuck have they done to me pub, What the fuck fuck fuck have they done to me pub, What the fuck fuck fuck have they done to me pub, Now it's a fun pub disco, Wine bar bistro, Gay club puff house, Cocktail carvery. @SONG: Dead Cat A ya ya ya ya ya yaaar... No petrol in the van, Knee deep in empty cans, We've lost the map, the tyre's flat, the bloody kid's been banned, We stopped off for some grease, Nevis is obese, We left him standing empty handed, Ten miles outside Leeds. Oh no... Just find us a pub where the ale and tarts are free, Lock that fucking door, We'll drink beer to eternity. Someone farted in the back, Fast Fret found a cat, It was in the road, all stiff and cold and squashed and thin and flat, He wants to bring it back in a Tesco bag, It's got one eye, it's full of flies, He's got to have something to shag, For fuck's sake... Just find us a pub where the ale and tarts are free, Lock that fucking door, We'll drink beer to eternity. (Repeat to end) @SONG: Lady Muck Well I want to sing a song about Lady Muck yoooh, Well, it weren't her real name, but it rhymed with fuck. An' I'm gonna nacc me voice doin' this for too long, Come on Fast Fret, let's get on with the song. She was sitting at a table shouting "Waiter where's the wine?" But you don't come in MacDonald's if you really want to get pissed, Take me for a drink, she handed me her car keys, Get me out of here, the place is full of grelbies. You can use her piss for purfume and her pubes for dental floss, And her shit would make good perfume because she's so fucking posh, Lady Muck. Drove her round the town, Friday night were pay night, She said she was a witch and turned into a layby, Did a spell of snogging and a spot of fingering, Found her name was Jonelle by the lables on her lingerie... She had a fur coat and no knickers, But she were a real lady, And she never swore or farted And she drove a gold Mercedes, Lady Muck. Yaaaaaaaaw. You can use her piss for purfume and her pubes for dental floss, And her shit would make good perfume because she's so fucking posh, She had a fur coat and no knickers, Butshe were a real lady, And she never swore or farted When she spilt her chips and gravy. Lady Muck, Lady Muck, Lady Muck, Lady Muck. @SONG: Gordon's Revenge Ah so. The ducks are sitting and I making my list now, Macc Lads stagger in and their all fucking pissed, The fucking drunk bastards can't take their beer, Free gravy tonight, I've got bad diarrhoea. Sea food special with extra crab, Two pancake with a penis scab, See you tomorrow and we have chick pie, We have dog and I think he about to die... Cut your nail into prawn cracker, Add black bit from around my knaccars, Call me Chinky, little yellow git, You'll be on the bog for a week. 'Cos you want to know what's in my wok, Pubic lice from around my cock, Egg foo young and crispy noodle, No I haven't seen your poodle.... You want to try my sweet and sour chicken, I give you free bag to be sick in. Call me slanty, you're very very nasty, I fart on chips and piss on pastie. Chinky cunt? Ha, very very funny, Jumbo sausage, chips and curry, Gordon smile and take the money, Excellant laddy, my arse is runny. Pie Taster Oi, oi, oi, She had just turned twenty nine, Needed a good ironing, Smelling like a dench, Face looked like a welder's bench. And she was baggy at the rear, She could fart for Lancashire, And she said she liked the taste of me bellend chedder, And she asked me if I wanted fer bed her. She were desperate for a fuck, Said her cunt were ill enough, She had piles and NSU, Creepy crawlies in her pubes, And dribbling out of her womb, Were semen and the QE2. But I've never been to bed with an ugly woman, But I've woken up with one or two, No he's never been to bed with an ugly woman, But he's woken up with quite a few. Stretch marks on her bum, Tated pies for Titterton's, Stretch marks on her bum, Tasted pies for Titterton's, Stretch marks on her bum, Tasted pies for Titterton's, Stretch marks on her bum, Tasted pies for Titterton's, Stretch marks on her bum... Yaaaw. Yaaaw. But I've never been to bed with an ugly woman, But I've woken up with one or two, No he's never been to bed with an ugly woman, But he's woken up with quite a few. @SONG: Dan's Round Us 'Andbag We had a foreign holiday in Tiermarbelly, We're gonna get laid by some greasy fellas, We want some lump that's gonna fer plate us, And we're gettin' under some Itallian waiters, Dragged this Dago back fer hotel, He's got a fit body but he doesn't half stink, Kicking and squealing but I looked round, I said come on slick, get a hard on now. Dance dance, round your handbags, Dance dance, round your handbags, Dance dance, round your handbags, Now. Me boyfriend's a twat, He's getting on me tits, An' he hasn't shagged us for a week 'cos he's always too pissed, And he won't know what the fuck to do, When he sees me "I love Hosay" tattoo, He can do as he pleases but he's getting me diseases, And I watched me knicker line and he called me a slag. He's getting no Newquay when I get back, 'Cos he's on the couch and I'm on the rag. Dance dance, round your handbags, Dance dance, round your handbags, Dance dance, round your handbags, Now. Julie, are you comin' to the bogs? THen one fit bar chap might give us a snog, But I can tell by bulging trousers, That the only girls he likes are not like me. Dance dance, round your handbags, Dance dance, round your handbags, Dance dance, round your handbags, Now. (Repeat to end) @SONG: Ben Nevis He squidges in the van, All twenty four stones, He gets three kebabs and he eats them on his own, Quick trouser cough Nevis touches cloth, Fuck fuck hide behind a truck, all the windows are steaming up. Gas gas quick lads, The air in here is turning brown, Gas gas quick lads, Get the fucking windows down, Gas gas quick lads, Nevis has gone and done a troof, Gas gas quick lads, I think the big fat twat has fallen through. Ben Nevis filled the van with odour of turd, Would have hung for less gas at Nurenburg, Four chicken curries, eight tandories, Boiled eggs, three kebabs fuck sake let him take command. Gas gas quick lads, Everyone's choked to death, Gas gas quick lads, Has us out with botty breath, Gas gas quick lads, Dig a trench, avoid the stench, Gas gas quick lads, Nevis is filthy, fat and flatulent. Yooooo. At a transport cafe he gets baked beans, Wretched rasp blows a hole in his jeans, Everybody choking, nobody smoking, Looks round, blames the dog, Covered in a smelly fog. Gas gas quick lads, What the fuck has he been eating, Gas gas quick lads, He must have had some rotton meat in, Gas gas quick lads, I've got tears in me eyes, Gas gas quick lads, I think a rat crawled up his arse hole, I think a rat crawled up his arse hole, I think a rat crawled up his arse and died. @SONG: Fluffy Pup Well, I spent last night trying to chuck me bird, She were clinging to me leg like an old sick turd, I said your tits are too small and your legs are too short, I want a fit bird from the Sunday Sport, I can't hear me records when you sit on me face, And then she mouths off in front of me mates, But you told me that you loved me, I never fucking did, You used fer bring me flowers, I said shut your fucking grid, You acted dead sweet and you called me fluffy pup, You can cook you can fuck you can do the washing up, Now I've had enough, come on fuck off, Get stuffed. Well I took her one side, and we started chatting, I said tell the lads that and I'll kick your twat in, Now piss ofback your mother's 'cos I've had enough, Say another word, get a boot up chuff, You're spotty and your ugly and you smaell like Billingsgate, And then she mouths off in front of me mates... But you told me that you loved me, I never fucking did, You used fer bring me flowers, I said shut your fucking grid, You acted dead sweet and you called me fluffy pup, You can cook you can fuck you can do the washing up, Now I've had enough, come on fuck off, Get stuffed. Well, I stormed off 'cos I were going crazy, When I got to the chippy I had one foot in the gravy, She got a seven foot dad, Well just about, And he was going to rip me liver out, I said here you are grandad, your turn to hold her, There's half a pint of gravy and a chip on me shoulder... But you told me that you loved me, I never fucking did, You used fer bring me flowers, Shut your fucking grid, You acted dead sweet and you called me fluffy pup, You can cook you can fuck you can do the washing up, Now I've had enough, come on fuck off, Get stuffed. I said you can cook you can fuck you can do the washing up, Now I've had enough, come on fuck off, Get stuffed. @SONG: Stoppy Back Come on lads and lasses will you finish up your glasses, Let's go home. Now you know the regulations I don't want an explanation, Time to go. Fuck off you twat, we want to stoppy back, stoppy back. Fuck off you twat, we want to stoppy back, stoppy back. Twenty minutes past last orders, now you've all got homes to go to, Tatty bye. Now we've had your fucking money now then piss off home to mummy, Let's go home. Fuck off you twat, we want to stoppy back, stoppy back. Fuck off you twat, we want to stoppy back, stoppy back. Well, I couldn't give a rat turd if it's raining cats and dogs, Will you nick that fucking bastard and stop hiding in the bogs, Fuck off home. Fuck off you twat, we want to stoppy back, stoppy back. Fuck off you twat, we want to stoppy back, stoppy back. (Repeat to end) @SONG: Ugly Women Just take a look over there, Is that one fit with the long dark hair? Well she's got to be a mucky tart, Her mate looks like a madman's horse. Can I have the fit one? Oh, don't be boring, Me knob's gone deaf, it's one foot long, I've had it up since Monday. Thank God for ugly women, all the boilers bags and trolls, Just so they could get a shag they invented alcohol. Thank God for ugly women, all the boilers bags and trolls, Just so they could get a shag they invented alcohol. She had a face a pig wouldn't lick, Complextion like a bag of sick. And underneath her hanging gut, An alsation with it's windpipe cut. Real fish in her fishnets, all squashed in a paste, Two inch thick soles and between her legs a very smelly place. Thank God for ugly women, all the boilers bags and trolls, Just so they could get a shag they invented alcohol. (Repeat to end)